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While the video is fun and playful, it makes some great points about what helps support sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship – something that I, a single, unmarried female sex columnist, get asked about often. In fact, according to a recent survey from adult pleasure product company LELO, 62% of Millennials (people who are now in their 30s and 40s) wish they were having more sex.
So, what’s the secret to a rocking sex life? It’s actually more simple than you think: don’t be a jerk. As Lauren shares in her video, “Boring nerdy couples are 200% out-boning pick up artists every day of the week. We’re just less loud about it.” If you’re part of the 62%, here are a few tips to enhance your sex life.
1. Be nice to your partner.
One of the reasons Lauren says she still enjoys having sex with her husband is because: “He makes me feel pretty and confident and lets me talk about a bunch of stupid stuff.” While this may seem incredibly simple, being genuinely kind to your partner is essential. Support them emotionally by creating a safe space where they feel seen and heard. This includes listening to your partner as they tell you every last detail about their new favourite hobby or obsession.
2. Prioritize equality in your relationship.
Lauren says another reason she still wants to have sex with her husband is that he never makes her feel like the default parent.“Both my son and daughter trust and know that there’s nothing I can do that my husband can’t also do. And for that, very boneable!” she says. Whether you have children or not, showing up and being an equal partner with household and family responsibilities helps lighten the load for everyone, creating more space for sexy times.
3. Understand the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.
While you may have a spontaneous desire for your partner – the urge to have sex before intimacy is initiated – keep in mind that your partner’s desire may be more responsive. According to Resolve, a counselling and therapy practice: “People with responsive desire need more affection and sensual touch leading up to engaging in sexual activity to help put their mind and body at ease to feel desire. This could include long hugs, cuddling on the couch, rubbing their back, or taking a shower together.”
Creating a safe space for your partner also includes prioritizing other forms of intimacy – conversation, hand holding, watching a favourite show together – that don’t necessarily have to lead to sex.
4. Give each other time for self-care.
In her video, Lauren says she still likes to sleep with her husband because she gets enough time to take care of herself. You’ve probably heard the saying: “Put on your oxygen tank before you help others.” You can’t be good to each other if you’re not good to yourselves. Ensuring you both have adequate time to yourselves to exercise, see friends, and do self-care will only benefit your sex life. As Lauren reminds us: “Taking care of your health even a little bit increases your libido.”
5. Double down on personal hygiene.
While it may sound inconsequential, as Lauren points out in her video, you can be the hottest man alive, but if you smell like wet wool and stale cheese, you’re not “boneable.” Prioritize personal hygiene. If you have facial hair, clean and condition it thoroughly – and don’t forget about areas below the belt. Trim hair to prevent excessive sweating, wear breathable cotton underwear and wash intimate areas thoroughly, including the back door.
6. Respect each other.
“As long as there’s a consistent mutual exchange of ‘you’re cute and clever’ and ‘you’re cute and clever’ there’s usually the bang, bang, bang,” says Lauren.
In other words, you don’t have to be perfect, but consistently showing up for your partner, being kind, and making them feel valued at all times, is an aphrodisiac – pick up artists be damned. As Lauren reminds us in her video, average, kind guys don’t finish last. “Some of the most normal dudes you know are laying in bed watching Dragonball Z with a pretty naked girl right now, just by virtue of not being an a-hole.”