Nicole Kidman detailed waking up “crying and gasping” for air after hitting her mid-50s due to thoughts about her own humanity.
The “Babygirl” actress, 57, told GQ in an interview published Monday that she is feeling “everything all the more now” due to “mortality, connection, life coming and hitting you.”
“And loss of parents and raising children and marriage and all of the things that go into making you a fully sentient human,” she continued listing, referencing her children growing up and her parents dying.
“I’m in all of those places.”
The Oscar winner shares daughters Sunday Rose, 16, and Faith Margaret, 13, with husband Keith Urban. She is also mom to daughter Bella, 31, and son Conner, 29, with ex Tom Cruise.
While her father, Antony, died a decade ago, the “Big Little Lies” star recently lost her mother, Janelle.
Kidman learned of her mother’s death while on her way to the Venice International Film Festival in September, which left her “heartbroken.”
“So life is, whew. It’s definitely a journey,” she told GQ. “And it hits you as you get older how — it’s a wake up at 3 a.m. crying and gasping kind of thing. If you’re in it and not numbing yourself to it.”
“And I’m in it,” she added. “Fully in it.”
Despite dealing with such heavy emotions in her personal life, Kidman continues to challenge herself professionally — such as her highly talked-about role in Halina Reijn’s new erotic thriller.
In the film, which has garnered Oscar buzz, Kidman plays a 50-something female CEO who finds herself in “a BDSM-tinged affair” with a much younger intern.
Kidman said watching the explicit film with audiences for the first time was “terrifying” but “thrilling” — especially since she puts so much of herself into each character she plays.
“I’m willing to go to whatever place to make it real and deep,” she said of her acting style.
However, sometimes that means feeling everything her character feels — which admittedly has contributed to her heightened emotions.
“I get sick or I get disturbed,” Kidman said of her roles. “It penetrates my dreams, I don’t sleep well, I shake, I have all sorts of different physical manifestations from it.”
Due to the intensity of “Babygirl,” the actress said she often suffered nightmares and middle-of-the-night heart palpitations.
Not only did it take a toll on her emotionally, but it also affected her physically.
Last month, the “Perfect Couple” star admitted that filming sex scenes in the movie became so exhausting she had to take a break.
“There were times when we were shooting where I was like, ‘I don’t want to [imitate] orgasm any more,’” she told the Sun.
“Don’t come near me. I hate doing this. I don’t care if I am never touched again in my life!”
Kidman said she was “so present” during the intimate scenes “that it was almost like a burnout.”
While there “was an enormous amount of sharing and trust” between her and co-stars Harrison Dickinson and Antonio Banderas, there was also lots of “frustration.”
“Babygirl” hits theaters Dec. 25.