In most heteronormative relationships, even where household tasks are seemingly split equally, it’s more often than not the mother who takes on the lion’s share of this work.
In fact, in a survey of 2,000 parents conducted by parenting site Netmums, almost 75% of women claimed they did the bulk of childcare and housework, regardless of working hours or patterns.
While the majority of participants agree that men and women should do equal shares of household chores, only 20% of women think this actually happens – compared to 40% of men.
Of course, there’s no doubt that single parents face an even heavier burden. With lone fathers now accounting for 16% of lone-parent families, juggling the responsibilities of parenting, household management and work can lead to burnout and stress.
But it’s not just about who’s doing what – it’s about who’s making sure it all gets done, which is often known as the ‘mental load’. According to a 2024 study, this ‘invisible’ aspect of family life leaves many mums struggling with ‘depression, stress and burnout’.
In response to this age-old issue, one mother of two has come up with a novel way of making her husband a more ‘equal parent’.
The advice? When your husband asks a question, just don’t answer them says lifestyle creator, Pace Webb.
In a video, posted to both her TikTok and Instagram accounts @ourhomeflows, Pace explained: ‘I stopped answering every single question he could figure out for himself.
‘It may sound kind of harsh, but if you’re always answering the questions they’re always going to be asking you, you’re going to be the one who does all the thinking.’
Pace suggests this method could reduce the ‘mental load’ mothers typically carry and lead to a more equal partnership.
The short clip has since garnered over 37,000 likes and thousands of comments from mothers sharing their own experiences.
User ‘proazil5’ wrote: ‘It’s called the “mental load” and women have to carry it every day. When your husband keeps asking questions he can answer for himself her has no idea that you already have 100 million other things swirling around your brain.’
Meanwhile, ‘Rockpinup’ added: ‘She means stuff like when you have just opened up the fridge and IMMEDIATELY ask “Hunny, where’s the ketchup?” Or “The baby has a wet nappy, you want me to change it?”
‘These questions don’t need to be asked. You’re giving your woman more stress. Also, take the initiative to do stuff yourself. You see dishes? Do them. You see things on the floor; pick them up. It shouldn’t always fall on us!’
Others shared the ways they typically distribute the mental load. User ‘_prettyonmebeauty’ wrote: ‘My favourite phrase is ‘Idk’ [I don’t know] started doing this to conserve my energy and give him space to find his way. Works so well.’
Meanwhile, ‘themomtrotter’ wrote: ‘Same with my son. I always say, “What do you think Baby?”. I encourage him to think for himself before asking. Redirection is key.’
However, rather than ignoring your partner, Dr Sophie Mort, mental health expert at Headspace and clinical psychologist, suggested being honest with your partner can help lessen the mental load.
Speaking to, she says: ‘The best thing to do is to explain exactly what you are feeling to your partner. Make a list of all the things you are doing that you feel should be evened out and then divide them up.
‘When you can see the difference in responsibilities in black and white, it can help you both to sit and see how the current load is evened out in black and white. Instead of ignoring your partner when they ask you a question like in the Instagram video – you might want to try asking them – if they have tried X or if they have looked under X.
‘There are lots of different ways that you can manage the load between you – but establishing that it exists and that it needs to be tackled is essential – and a key part of this discussion is explaining to your partner how the invisible load makes you feel.’
According to Charlotte Ball, expert matchmaker and co-founder of the dating agency, Bond, it is ‘crucial’ that couples spend time outlining the list of tasks, responsibilities, and obligations they have to juggle during their daily lives and divide them up equally.
Once this is done, Charlotte advises letting go of the control over the jobs that are not assigned to you.
‘Perhaps your partner will not do these as you would, but it is important to allow them complete autonomy in how they perform their assigned tasks,’ she explains.
However, if you find yourself past that point and burdened with a larger mental load than your partner, Charlotte says: ‘It is important to communicate with them how you feel, to try and stimulate a change.
‘Start by quantifying and capturing how much time is needed to be spent on the mental load and how this is shared between you. Then use this as a starting point for a discussion on how to redress the balance and set priorities and responsibilities for each of you.’
While ‘clear communication’ is vital, how can couples realistically do that?
‘Start by scheduling a fixed time to speak to them when you have no distractions. Remain positive but firm with them,’ Charlotte explains.
What is the mental load?
The ‘mental load’ refers to the cognitive and emotional burden of managing household and family responsibilities.
A 2019 study identified four clear stages:
- Anticipate: Realising that you need to start thinking about options
- Identify: Looking into the types of options that will suit your needs
- Decide: Choosing the option
- Monitor: Making sure the plan is carried out
‘Take your feelings out of the equation and speak to them about all the unseen work that happens.
‘Remember, giving detailed insight into this behind-the-scenes labour can give your partner a better understanding, ultimately allowing a fairer redistribution of the work, which could help lighten your load.
‘Be honest and tell them that you would like the division of all visible and invisible work that keeps the household running smoothly to be equal, as this will ensure there is no resentment, that you are working as a team and that your relationship blooms.’
Once you have divided up the tasks, Charlotte says you should ‘make it clear you would like these to be long-term changes and that you will have monthly check-ins to ensure you are both on track with your responsibilities.
‘You may have to do a little hand-holding at first, but gentle encouragement such as inviting them to use a scheduling app or to remember important tasks may help.’
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