I was with my ex-boyfriend for two-and-a-half years. We’d moved in together and soon after, my sex drive all but disappeared.
Forgetting the fact that I had to ask him to plan a date for us (which he never actually did), my life became a revolving door of cleaning our flat, unclogging the toilet he blocked, deciding what we would eat and cooking it every night.
The thought to do any of the above never crossed his mind, not without instruction. Could I rely on him? Absolutely not.
And it’s this lack of responsibility and accountability for even the most mindless of tasks that left sex feeling like a chore for me, if it even happened at all. It’s not hard to see why.
Licensed professional counsellor Rychel Johnson tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Desire is a delicate interplay between emotional intimacy and everyday acts of consideration. And when those seemingly small gestures of support fade from the rhythm of couplehood, it’s little wonder the sexual spark often fizzles out right alongside them.’
Rychel points out that very few of us find household drudgery or a parent-child dynamic very appealing.
‘There’s this visceral, primal need to feel cherished and partnered with, not merely catered to and micro-managed,’ the counsellor adds.
‘When the balance of who’s anticipating whose needs skews too heavily onto one person’s shoulders, it can breed an insidious resentment that slowly asphyxiates romantic desire.’
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Mental load
It’s the mental load – the unseen ‘cognitive labour’ involved in managing a household or relationship, defined by the American Sociological Review as ‘anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress’ – that is the real killer.
This classic lopsided heteronormative relationship dynamic can often leave women feeling particularly disgruntled and dissatisfied.
It’s a sentiment echoed by women in Gillian Anderson’s new book, Want, which collates the sexual fantasies of women around the world.
One Canadian woman shared hers: ‘To have my husband say he’s hired a cleaner. To have my husband say he’s done the grocery shopping. To have my husband say let’s go to the movies. To have my husband say I changed the bed sheets and did the laundry and folded the laundry.’
A British woman shared how she had a ‘tendency to take on emotional labour to make life easier for others, making choices and being the driving force’ but her sexual fantasy is the opposite.
She writes: ‘My God, sometimes I just want to surrender. My whole body, all of me – hand it over and let it be completely possessed by someone. No choices to be made.’
Emotional foreplay
Relationship psychologist Mairead Molloy explains to Metro.co.uk that this dynamic is intrinsically linked to sex because the sharing of chores contributes to ’emotional foreplay’.
A UK study of more than 4,000 couples rather depressingly found that 72% of women say they do the majority of household tasks.
The same study, by Starling Bank, found that women are five times more likely to be tasked with cleaning and tidying than men are, totally 36 hours of household tasks per week.
So, we can largely talk about this in terms of women feeling burdened by their partners, although that’s not to say men don’t feel like they shoulder the burden on occasion.
Either way, if you’re the one shouldering the mental load, there’s a strong chance your sex drive is through the floor.
Psychologist Mairead says that sadly, it’s a dynamic she sees often with couples that seek her help, although interestingly she says it’s older men who tend to be guilty of this behaviour.
‘Men about 28 or younger are usually more willing to do household chores,’ she adds.
A study in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour journal in 2022 found that women in relationships with men who utilised weaponised incompetence and failed to help with chores reported lower sexual desire.
Who wants to rail their man-child partner? Not us. And counsellor Rychel agrees.
Emotional erosion
‘Nothing quite kills the mood like that slow inner monologue tallying up the considerations and chores your partner has conveniently offloaded yet again,’ she explains.
‘Those mental chains of obligation exact a steep psychological toll – how can your mind stay relaxed and present enough to welcome passionate intimacy when it’s consumed with underlying anxiety over everything you’ve been forced to handle alone?’
Rychel brands this mindset as a form of ’emotional erosion’ that reverberates throughout the relationship.
‘That perceived indifference or ingratitude gradually chips away at the bedrock of trust and goodwill a healthy sexual attraction requires,’ she adds.
It’s not to say that maintaining a balance is easy. As Rychel points out, demanding work lives, parenting duties and personal crises all ‘make maintaining daily consideration for out loved ones monumentally harder’.
Stereotypical gender roles are, to some degree, to blame for this and the counsellor believes dated scripts around domestic responsibility ‘disproportionaly overtax women’s time’.
Tips to get your sex drive back
‘There has to be an equal split of chores,’ relationship coach Gemma Nice said. ‘There needs to be open communication between the two of you otherwise it results in conflict or resentment which can build over time.’
Essentially you need to be setting boundaries from the get go in your relationship.
‘Ask each other what love languages you are and go from there,’ Gemma added.
Allow each other to understand what chores you will and won’t do and why, then pin the allocated chores on the fridge. If it’s still not working, don’t be afraid to talk about it.
If you’re financially able, Gemma suggests hiring a cleaner as this can really take the pressure off you as a couple.
You can also choose to make doing chores together more fun. She added: ‘Mess around with the bubbles while washing up, or make it a fun thing to do where you can talk openly and honestly about how your day was while doing the chores together.
Lastly, check in with each other every month to make sure these changes are working for you.
Mairead echoes this, saying: ‘Traditional gender roles can create imbalances in modern relationships by allocating certain responsibilities based on gender, which may not align with a person’s preferences or strengths. This can allow resentment and frustration to build if one partner feels burdened by the expectations.’
Team work
Obviously it’s not all men who are the culprits. In fact, there are plenty of men who shoulder their fair share of the household chores and life admin.
In a viral TikTok video where one woman refused to do her husband’s laundry to stop him becoming complacent, multiple women took to the comments to defend their husbands and share how many chores their partners do — without being asked.
‘Sometimes I do laundry and sometimes he does the laundry. We both help each other because we are a team,’ wrote one user.
Another said: ‘We both do each others laundry… we are partners lol. There’s no score-keeping or assumptions that the other person is responsible for that task.’
So there you go, capable men are out there in force, but if you find the division of labour is getting skewed, whichever way, then as well as communication, Rychel stresses the importance of not letting loving gestures go stale.
She adds: ‘It’s those daily kindnesses – the ones you can’t just check off a chore list – that become the true sparks for stoking sexual desire and long-term partnership satisfaction.’
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