Training to be a dancer left me with PTSD – I’m not surprised by the Strictly allegations

‘There will be a degree of competitiveness and will to do well, but there are limits and the line should never be crossed.’

Those were the words of the BBC’s director-general Tim Davie after flagship show Strictly Come Dancing continues to come under fire after several contestants have spoken out about the behaviour of some professionals in the rehearsal room. 

Many fans were surprised – but not me. 

In fact, with each article and statement I’ve read, the situations being described have sadly felt more and more familiar. 

Because I’ve been in that intense environment of dance training, and I know from bitter experience just how unpleasant it can be. 

At 17, having been dancing since the age of two, I auditioned for a prestigious dance troupe in London and was lucky enough to earn a place.  

While still in full-time education, I would set off from my home in Suffolk at 4am every Saturday to train in the capital, before collapsing into bed at 11pm after a hard day’s work. 

I sacrificed any and all free time to rehearse, bailing on birthday parties and family meals – even using my free periods at sixth form to practise routines. 

To me, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to achieve my dream of having a career in musical theatre. 

What soon became abundantly clear, however, wasn’t a dream, but a nightmare. 

In one rehearsal, I was called out in front of the entire group and told that I ‘wasn’t good enough to be here’. 

In my naivety, I was sure that being part of this group was the only way I would get a foot into my chosen career, and that if I messed this up then my entire future would be ruined. 

The pressure was enormous, and I even let exam revision slide in favour of putting in even more rehearsal time. 

That meant my results weren’t as good as expected, so it felt as though my back-up plan was out of the window, which only made me even more determined to push myself beyond my limits. 

I was made to believe that without this group, I would be nothing, that they could replace me at any moment. They had connections all over the industry – and I truly believed that one word from them would have left me blacklisted for life. 

When former Strictly contestant Amanda Abbington said she found her dance partner Giovanni Pernice’s alleged behaviour ‘unnecessary, abusive, cruel and mean,’ I felt like I was transported back to being 17. 

Eventually, I snapped, and ended up suffering a nervous breakdown. The constant put downs, the fear of being picked on, all finally caught up with me. 

It was then that my mum put her foot down and decided that enough was enough. She said that it was time to pull out. 

I was horrified, because although making that trip to London every week filled me with a fear that I’ll never be able to describe, I still felt as though throwing away this opportunity would be like flushing my whole life down the drain. 

Thankfully, Mum still pulled me from the troupe – and the instant relief was overwhelming. 

I went back to my old dance teacher – it was down to her support that I was able to rebuild my confidence enough to audition for dance college, and I headed off to earn my degree in musical theatre. 

But in my second year, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). 

Every day was a struggle, but I was determined to push through. I’d sacrificed so much growing up that I didn’t want to admit to myself that maybe this wasn’t what I wanted anymore. 

By my final year, I had come to terms with the fact that my mental health wasn’t up to the challenge. I had to put myself first and accept that the dreams I’d had as a child just didn’t align with the new me. 

Post-trauma Maisie was a totally different person. 

Sometimes I find myself mourning the person I could have been if the environment I was in at 17 had been different. If instead of constant put downs, there had been some encouragement from the people in charge of training me.  

Shirley Ballas once said she had to be ‘resilient and bulletproof’ to make it in the industry. 

I understand where she is coming from in terms of auditions – not everyone can get the role and there are bound to be disappointments – but I can’t help but feel that if something were to change, we’d all be better off. 

It’s why I appreciate the huge courage it must have taken for Zara McDermott and Amanda Abbington to speak out about what they experienced. I know, because I kept quiet for years. 

My hope is that, as a result of these Strictly celebs speaking out, something in the wider industry changes.

People may defend teaching in this way as being ‘traditional’, whether at school or in the Strictly rehearsal room – but some traditions must be broken. 

I fell in love with dance because it was a way of expressing myself when words couldn’t. 

If no one speaks up, this behaviour will only continue – and it’s quite frankly unacceptable. 

I hope that, while Strictly addresses the allegations and adopts measures to protect its dancers, other studios and educational institutions will follow suit, to make this wonderful art form the safe space it needs to be.