But have no fear: I am still aware that I am not up to running the world.
Last week, my 28-year-old son unexpectedly asked me how I and my friends over 65 felt about the criticism of President Joe Biden’s age.
Did we think it was ageist — and were we offended?
Nope, I said. If anything, Biden’s age-related problems sometimes sound too familiar.
Once you hit 65, many things Biden’s being criticized for seem more understandable, even if his fight to remain president isn’t understandable.
Since Biden’s disastrous debate, I’ve begun noticing several friends mixing up a name or word, then correcting themselves, in verbal hiccups I’m now calling “Bidenisms.”
Maybe you make them, too?
For instance, when you’re telling a story from long ago (or maybe not-so-long ), you might say it was about your friend Peter, until your spouse chimes in and says: “Actually, that happened to Susan.”
With age, you may also have occasional Bidenesque memory lapses before recalling a fact that used to come to mind instantly.
You: We saw a great TV movie last week I think you’d like.
Friend: Great, what’s it called?
You: It’s called uh … uh, what the heck was the name of it? Umm … I think it was called Un-something … Maybe Undone? … Or Onion? Or … Un- Oh! I remember … it was called Unforgettable!
You may recall someone’s name a tad slower, too, because there’s so much else cluttering your mental attic: endless people you’ve met, places you’ve been, books titles you’ve read, old phone numbers you still know — and 353 ever-changing passwords.
The brain’s processing speed slows slightly with age, as if it missed the last Apple upgrade. Sometimes the little computer ball spins for several seconds before settling, as Biden’s now does too often.
So when making dinner, you may find yourself searching for a simple word in a sentence like: “Hey, honey, you wanna hand me the … uh, you know, the uh … gawd! You know — the thing!
Spouse: The thing?
You: Yes, the thing that spins the salad … Oh yeah — the salad spinner!
But unlike Biden, we don’t have 1,000 journalists recording, replaying and analyzing our every worth.
Er … word.
There are physical Bidenisms, too, like the president’s gait we’ve all seen in aging relatives or friends in their 80s or 90s.
But even in your late 50s there’s often a tiny uhhnrrghhrrhhh grunt that slips from your mouth when you get up from the floor or couch that you don’t recall making at 40.
What other Bidenisms might indicate you shouldn’t be running for president?
You don’t hear well in noisy 30-something bars (or NATO meetings) or read menus easily in dark restaurants, unless you sheepishly turn on your phone’s flashlight.
You don’t quickly recognize people on the street who are waving and shouting “Hi!” until you’re right up close.
So you spend the first 10 seconds of your chat trying to remember their name and not hearing the question they’ve asked you, which was:
“Sorry, we’ve met several times before, but I can’t quite recall your name?”
However, with the wisdom of age you may also read half a book and brilliantly intuit exactly what’s going to happen next. That’s right before you realize you read it 30 years ago.
Media commentators have focused on Biden’s habit of staring into space at times, apparently daydreaming.
Fortunately, this hasn’t affected me over time as I was doing the same in high school and university, like most guys I knew.
Women sometimes say to their new partners: “You look pensive dear, what are you thinking about?”
Then the guy answers “nothing,” and means it.
Nothing at all.
Many men have an extra brain gear only some women have, where we go into “idle” mode, like a car in neutral.
However, Biden now spends more time in neutral and less in drive.
For these reasons, the older you are the more sympathy you feel for Biden as a person, but the less you have for him as president — because you know he’s not up to running the world anymore.
Or up to the urgent task of responding to Donald Trump’s countless lies that might be countered instantly by a younger, quicker opponent. That’s even more crucial since Trump’s quick-witted, photo-op response immediately after his near-assassination.
And worse, you know Biden should know all this, too, even more so now that he’s laid up with COVID-19.
Ultimately, it’s best to smile at whatever age throws at you, not deny it as Biden is being encouraged to do by his handlers and family, who some commentators accuse of committing “elder abuse.”
Which reminds me: There’s another thing that really bothers me about age and memory …
But I forget what it is.