Assuming you weren’t joking about that, Mr. Trump.
Dear Almost-President Trump:
But we Canadians all shivered — and not just from the cold.
After all, we’re a fairly small nation sleeping next to a giant Trumpian elephant. So when you sneeze, we get higher tariffs.
In truth, there’s been talk of America annexing Canada for centuries. It started before our country was formed, when victorious American revolutionaries looked northward to expand.
The driving reason behind Canadian Confederation was to make sure we stayed NOT American.
So just in case you’re not joking, Mr. Trump, here are some reasons why you don’t want Canada to join MAGAmerica — since we wouldn’t make “great” Americans.
1. United, we stand: While the U.S. becomes the Disunited States of America, fiercely divided into Republicans vs. Democrats, we are still largely united by Canadian values.
Even our increasingly conservative Conservative Party is pretty liberal when it comes to socialized medicine, abortion and legal dope. As a winter nation we’ve all learned to huddle together and share what we have, as God’s frozen people.
But for that to work the Republican-leaning state would have to be the northern and rural half of Canada with its capital in Red Deer.
2. We don’t think big enough: Canadians definitely love American TV, American music and American hot dogs, though no one here is eating dogs, Mr. Trump. But we do think smaller than you.
The U.S. is the Disneyland of nations, where everything is larger than life. You have bigger cars, bigger highways, bigger portions and bigger people than us.
The biggest Canadian flag I’ve ever seen was hanging outside a shopping mall in Plattsburgh, N.Y.
You market things larger, too, a nation of confident salesmen and hucksters, while we are more self-effacing. That’s why you have the World Series and the Super Bowl, while we have the Grey Cup.
3. We are nebulous nationalists: Unlike our southern neighbours, we never had a revolution, or civil war.
We are a proud “loser” nation where 40,000 defeated U.S. loyalists fled after the American revolution and helped form Canada, believing too much liberty would mean anarchy.
We are not revolutionaries, we are “evolutionaries,” which marks our behaviour.
As revolutionaries, Americans are very patriotic. Every citizen knows the words to their national anthem, which they sing at baseball games, barbecues and bedtime.
They just sing “We stand on guard, we stand on guard for thee,” until the music stops.
And while Americans are forever pledging allegiance to the flag, we Canadians never talk to our flag. That would make as much sense as talking to a mailbox, even if you could find one that still delivered mail.
4. We are wary of weapons: As revolutionaries, many Americans believe in the sacred right to bear arms — and use them. Everyone in the U.S. carries a gun, from border guards and subway guards to football guards.
Even Kamala Harris proudly noted she has one at home, something no Canadian leader would boast.
America’s mythic hero is the cowboy, the outlaw who helped tame the Wild West. But one of Canada’s proudest national symbols is a police officer — the Mountie.
The U.S. was pioneered by settlers and cowboys and the law came later. But our government sent the Mounties out west before the settlers, to make sure the no-parking signs were up before the horses arrived.
Even today Americans still resist authority, from radar patrol to gun control. But we Canadians are a law-abiding people who are awful lawful.
The oldest Canadian national joke is: “How do you get 100 drunken Canadians out of a swimming pool?
“You say: ‘OK, everyone, out of the pool.’ ”
5. We are the nebbish of nations: We’re decent but dull, bloodless but boring. The most cutting comment I’ve seen about Canada was by the Manchester Guardian, which once wrote: “One Canadian is as boring as three Swiss or five Belgians.”
And I hope that’s still true. Mr. Trump.
While your much-trumpeted winning slogan is “Make America Great Again,” we Canadians don’t strive to be great. We strive for the middle.
If we had a winning slogan, it would be “Make Canada Pretty Good Again.”
Don’t get me wrong, I like the U.S.. That’s why I’d like to leave it just the way it is:
On the other side of the border.