Four ways to keep your sanity through Nov. 5 and beyond.
Everywhere I go lately people anxiously ask me the same question: “Who do you think will win?”
They’re not talking about the Canadiens, the Alouettes or who’ll be Montreal’s next mayor.
They mean the big nerve-racking contest gripping the world: the U.S. election that’s turned many of us into nervous wrecks.
We’re scared as hell and we just can’t take it anymore.
It’s called ESD — “election stress disorder” — and it’s understandable.
Watch CNN and you’ll hear President Trump 2.0 would be a tyrant, while democracy would be toast. Switch to Fox and illegal immigrants are taking over the country and will eat your poodle.
In fact, the election has recently made me forget about our construction traffic and language law hassles.
I wish I could fast-forward through the last days before the Nov. 5 vote. But my AI app still hasn’t figured out how to do that for me.
Even pollsters who usually boldly predict the future are too nervous to make predictions.
They know the entire election could be determined by 17 voters in Pennsylvania who forget their reading glasses and mark an X in the wrong box.
So how can we psychologically survive the next week?
Nuke the news
The election has made us all news-aholics, our nerves jangled by 24/7 coverage.
This is a good time to go cold turkey. To do this simply turn your TV around backward, facing the wall and cover it in a shroud.
Then stop reading all newspapers (except this one of course).
Finally, program your devices to block any social media with the words “Harris,“ “Trump,“ “U.S. election,” or “orange” in them.
Then again, maybe you were smart enough to do that several months ago and you still think Trump is running against Joe Biden.
Shrink magnified fears
If you’re a Harris supporter like most Canadians you’re frightened a newly elected Trump might actually do many things he’s said he will.
And after writing this column, maybe me.
But let’s all calm down and tell ourselves: Maybe Trump won’t do what he says.
Maybe he doesn’t mean it when he talks of dumping NATO or abandoning Ukraine. Or refusing to accept if he loses the election, like he still hasn’t accepted losing in 2020.
Maybe he talks crazy but will prove more responsible.
And maybe the moon is made of green cheese.
Then again, perhaps you’re a Republican supporter, terrified of a President Harris, as many Americans are.
If so, tell yourself maybe she won’t do all the things she hasn’t said she’d do, but her opponents say she will.
Maybe she won’t turn America into a socialist republic.
Maybe she won’t open up immigration to let in all the murderers, drug lords and dog-eaters she can find.
Who knows: Maybe those hurricanes are actually due to nature?
Distract yourself
If you’re a junkie who can’t give up politics entirely, try choosing another country to follow for the next week — or if necessary four years.
A calmer, more boring country than today’s America.
Get into Palau politics, maybe even volunteer!
As well, the Kingdom of Bhutan specializes in being happy, by measuring Gross National Happiness (GNH) instead of GNP.
So try only listening to Bhutan national radio.
We could also focus obsessively on Canada, which most of the world finds too boring to follow.
That’s probably the reason U.S. News just named Canada the fourth best place in the world to live.
In fact, if things go badly in the U.S. election, Canada would be a great country to move to, if I didn’t already live here.
Keep calm and carry on drinking
To avoid breaking your no-U.S.-election news bubble, choose your friends carefully this week to avoid stressful conversations.
For instance, cats have very few political opinions.
Also avoid activities that might remind you of the candidates — such as concerts with trumpet players, bridge games with trump suits and dinner chat like “pass the rump roast, please.”
Instead, seek electoral mental peace by practising the philosophy called “mindfulness,” which helps you find inner calm by focusing on the moment.
“Be here, now” — even though you’d rather be someplace else, some other time.
Also, remember to keep your sense of humour and laugh at least once a day. I hope I’ve helped.
If none of the above suggestions work, take a very long warm bath.
Don’t come out until Nov. 6, when you’ll find out whether Biden won.