It was a hot summer’s day in July. Friends and family had gathered to celebrate a 21st birthday and just as the champagne was flowing, so too was the conversation.
The hot topic? Sex and relationships. This may seem wild for a family soiree, but as Metro’s sex and relationship reporter, it’s familiar territory for me.
One subject I hadn’t come across before though was the concept of a ‘marriage renewal agreement’.
The idea, as told to me by a divorced woman in her early 50s, is that every ten years, you and your partner reassess your relationship and see whether you wish to recommit for another decade.
The purpose of this break clause? To make sure you’re giving it your all and that your relationship reflects the changes you both make as individuals – because let’s face it, who we are at 25 isn’t necessarily going to be the same as who we are at 35.
It was a bold theory, but I found myself intrigued by the idea – not because I myself am married or betrothed, but because those I chat to for work cite complacency as the main reason for the deterioration of their relationships.
The renewal agreement would mean once you’ve been married for a decade, you both have a contractual review where you decide whether to continue with married life or to amicably go your separate ways.
If you don’t opt to renew your marriage, the contract simply expires, rather than having to file for a divorce and break a lifelong agreement.
And, well, that doesn’t seem half-bad to me. You have the five-year fizzle, the seven-year itch – so, why not introduce the decade decider?
Wouldn’t this approach save marriages and motivate you and your partner to actively try to make things work? Wouldn’t this approach simply mean we were adapting to the ever-changing world of relationships and our expectations of them?
Yes, marriage is one of – if not the – oldest contracts in the book, with the first recorded evidence of this type of union dating back to 2350 BC in Mesopotamia. But things have changed a lot since then and they are much less rigid.
You have kitchen table polyamory, open relationships, tolyamory – so it makes little sense to assume that we look at the institution of marriage through the same lens as we did even 100 years ago.
According to a 2022 YouGov poll, 28% of Brits don’t want to marry at all, while 29% of us are unsure about the idea of tying the knot. There’s also the 113,505 divorces in the UK in 2021 and the 80,057 divorces in 2022 to take into account.
Whether you subscribe to the idea of marriage at all is totally up to you. But, perhaps being able to review your partnership 10 years in, with the option of not having to apply for a divorce, would be the difference between some choosing to walk down the aisle or not.
Of course, you can get an annulment, but the eligibility criteria for that is pretty strict. And no-fault divorce could be an option, but it’d still be a lengthy, arduous process that could cost you dearly.
And at least this way, you would know that your partner is staying with you for all the right reasons, not simply because they have to. They would step up to the plate if they wanted to make it work and wouldn’t rest on their laurels, until one day it’s too late and all romance is dead – or they get served court documents.
Think of it like your annual work review. If you want that promotion, you put the effort in beforehand to make sure they’re really noticing you. You want them to know you’re dependable and consistent, innovative and enthusiastic, and that you’re not just coasting.
The same logic could apply to your relationship, with both you and your partner making sure you show up for one another, that you organise nice dates and thoughtful surprises once in a while, and that you pull your weight with the housework and/or childcare.
On a personal level, while I hope to get married some day, I do have my reservations about the current setup.
You see, my parents didn’t even make it to their wedding day, calling off their engagement about about a year after I was born, and my stepfather had a previous marriage that didn’t work out. So, naturally, I do worry about the longevity of the marital commitment.
In an ideal world, I’d grow and adapt alongside my partner, and we’d continue to be surprised by each other throughout our marriage and stay very much in love. And I’m pretty sure most people who sign up for marriage want those things, too.
However, I’m not naive to the fact that marriage doesn’t always turn out as planned – for whatever reason. So I think a 10-year renewal clause would give myself and lots more peace of mind; some sort of reassurance that you’ll stay invested in one another or have an easier time leaving if push came to shove.
I should also probably point out that I am agnostic at best. So while I do understand that this won’t necessarily work for those more religious – especially those within certain denominations where divorce is still frowned upon – it’s not so much an issue for me in that sense. I very much see it as a contract and commitment to a partner – not God.
But I do think the marriage renewal concept still could work in this context – it’s not too dissimilar from vow renewals, after all. It’d just mean having the additional option of walking away relatively unscathed.
Obviously, if there are irreconcilable differences or a partner is abusive or the relationship is toxic, people shouldn’t have to stay for a second longer than they want or have to.
And, if I’m being cynical, divorce lawyers would definitely lose out on a lot of money, so there would be less cash in the economy (although, I’d like to mention that if you couldn’t make it to the 10-year renewal date, you could still opt for a divorce; it would just be more costly).
For relationship coach Gemma Nice, though, there are flaws in this master plan.
She tells me that having such a clause loom over you may add unnecessary pressure and anxiety within your relationship.
‘You may be having sleepless nights, high blood pressure, anxiety or even depression as a result. There will be more arguments and less communication, as well as barriers put up between the two of you,’ she explains. ‘You will start to become irritable with each other instead of being communicative.’
Knowing that the renewal date is approaching could also prompt obsessive behaviours, according to Gemma.
She explains: ‘There would be a lot of checking each other’s phones or keeping tabs on each other. The trust would go from the marriage, and you’d be stuck in this negative loop.
‘Or, it could become an obsession talking about it leading up to the date. It would be good to get therapy at this stage to see where each partner was at.’
She does, however, concede that the arrangement would also make you examine your marriage and what each of you brings to the relationship.
‘A lot of people do renew their marriage to affirm their love for one another and know that they are in love and have an amazing connection,’ Gemma says.
‘It allows you to stop and think about the marriage, where you can make changes, where needs work, etc, so you can enhance the connection even more. You can then be honest and open and help each other to be a better person within the marriage.
‘Couples can also prove to their friends and families that they are celebrating their love for each other and show the world they are strong, especially if things have been a bit rocky during their marriage.’
Clearly, it is not a plan without its flaws. But to me it has more benefits than setbacks, and I think it’s an interesting concept that would encourage lots more to tie the knot and actually commit – properly – to their partners.
After all, isn’t that the point of marriage?
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