This is usually no-politics season in Montreal, but this year everyone’s talking about the U.S election thriller — as well as the weather, air conditioning and traffic.
This is the time of year we usually forget winter chit-chat about life-threatening weather, skiing and politics and switch to summery blather like swimming, bug bites, Lyme disease and which terrasse to have a drink on.
But this year’s conversations aren’t like they used to be. So here’s your conversational guide to summer 2024:
Weather has become a year-round conversation topic, partly because it’s crazier and partly because we’re crazier.
In the past, summer weather chats were brief and sounded like this:
Guy 1: Pretty hot out there, eh?
Guy 2: Yep. But looks like rain with them clouds comin’ in. That oughta cool’er off.
Guy 1: Yep.
But today’s chat sounds like this:
Guy 1: Pretty hot out there, eh? There’s a humidex index of 39, a RealFeel of 48, and Environment Canada’s just issued another Extremely-Dangerous-and-Severely-Deadly-Stay-inside-or-die Heat Alert.
Guy 2: No way that’s true. I see here the Weather Network’s calling for 4.2 mm of rain an hour between 1:15 and 4:21 p.m. with a 73-per-cent chance of high derecho winds and possible flooding. That oughta cool’er off.
Guy 1 (Looking at phone): Nope. It shows on my radar app the rain will skirt us by half a kilometre, 3.7 degrees to the northeast. No way there’s rain today!
Guy 2 (Looking at sky): Hey! it’s starting to pour — we better head in!
Guy 1: Don’t pay attention to that! Like I said, my radar shows the rain’s gonna miss us.
(Sound of thunder, lightning and nearby tree cracking.)
Traffic talk
This is now the opening conversation in Montreal, wherever you arrive:
Person 1: Sorry I’m late, but I was driving on Victoria, which was closed for the Festival of Uzbekistan ululaters and javelin jugglers.
I tried Maisonneuve, but it’s closed the next two weeks for the construction holiday, so I was detoured to Nun’s Island where …
Person 2 (interjecting): That’s nothing! I was coming down Pine when a pothole collapsed and my car almost plunged eight feet. Then …
STOP!
We know the roads and traffic are terrible. In fact, terrible is the new normal. Why not announce the grass is green? The Earth is round? The Quebec government doesn’t like anglophones?
For a more original conversation starter, try this:
“I was driving yesterday and you won’t believe what happened! There was no construction, no potholes, no traffic, and I got there 10 minutes before Google Maps predicted.”
Your audience will be in awe. Just don’t mention you were on vacation in Switzerland.
Temperature battles
Offices across the city are having fierce gender debates, as outside temperatures rise and indoor air-conditioning settings cool.
So as more women fill the office, many are demanding higher pay and higher temperatures.
And these arguments can get … overheated.
Her: No, don’t lower the AC again! I’m already under three blankets and wearing my down vest.
Him: Sorry, I’ve got two fans beside my face at full blast, but I’m still so drenched in sweat I’m gonna get heat stroke!
And why is that window open? It’s 42 degrees out and you’re wasting AC and electricity!
Her: It’s open because I need some fresh air in the room. By the way, I changed the password on the thermostat and I’m not sharing it!
Political chatter
Summer is usually no-politics season in Montreal, but this year that’s all anyone’s talking about.
I can’t go to my grocer, barber or tennis court without people sharing the latest political rumours.
Person 1: Didja hear? He just quit!
Person 2: Sorry, that was last week’s news. Now I hear he’s forgotten that he quit and says he’s still the candidate.
Person 1: No, I didn’t mean Biden is quitting — I meant Trudeau!
Right-wing conspiracy freaks are in conversational heaven, with rants like: “Can’t you see — the assassination attempt was set up by the Secret Service under direct orders from Biden! They used the same team that orchestrated the fake eclipse!”
Left-wing conspiracy freaks spout equal and opposite theories:
“Obviously, Trump planned his own shooting, just like a TV script. He used that fake ear-blood capsule they all do in wrestling!”
Meanwhile, others think Kamala Harris sent Nancy Pelosi in to deliberately give Biden COVID-19.
The rest of us just trade predictions for the next plot turn in this crazy made-for-Hollywood U.S. election thriller that Netflix would have rejected as too unrealistic.
What next? Will Trump accuse Harris of being secretly born outside the U.S., or our solar system, in another “birther” smear?
Will someone dredge up a so-far-secret supposedly separatist past of Kamala Harris at Westmount High? Will the election end in an exact tie determined by a coin toss or an arm wrestling contest?
It all makes for a very chatty summer — and the best part is: Absolutely no one here is talking about Quebec politics.