The minute she found out she was pregnant for the first time, Tracy Vinnicombe felt what she describes to be ‘mum guilt,’ viewing her two children, now 13 and 11, as ‘precious beings’ that need ‘taking care of.’
‘I feel really driven to be the best mum possible to my kids, but also to be a provider. So my heart is always torn with working too much and not being present with them,’ Tracy, now 46 and living in Surrey, tells Metro.co.uk.
Before she became a mum, she travelled the world as a professional ballet and contemporary dancer, and experienced ‘no responsibilities’ and ‘no guilt.’
However, when her son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at just six months old, an autoimmune disease that renders the pancreas unable to produce insulin, her mum guilt only worsened.
‘I was completely disconnected from my emotional and physical self. I forgot about me in order to learn everything I needed to help him stay alive,’ Tracy details.
‘From the lack of sleep and trauma, I didn’t even realise how much I was functioning on empty for around 6 years.’
It wasn’t until her son was in school full-time, where he now has a full-time trained carer, that she was able to drop the guilt a little bit. Ever since, she’s been on a gradual journey towards prioritising herself – even if it just means finding five minutes’ peace on the walk back from the school run.
‘I felt guilty for the relief. I’ve been on a long journey back to connecting with myself and prioritising myself without the guilt,’ she details.
As a sports massage therapist and yoga instructor, Tracy has developed an arsenal of coping mechanisms, including taking a ballet class once or twice a week as well as making time for her skincare in the morning.
Her husband is also incredibly supportive of her taking time out, often pushing her ‘out the door’ so she can take some ‘me time.’
‘He also feels that if we look after ourselves we can be better parents, less reactive, and more empathetic,’ Tracy adds.
Whether it’s referred to as ‘mother’s load,’ ‘the motherload’ or simply ‘mum guilt,’ society has developed a range of terms to denote the idea that, when it comes to gender and parenting conventions, mums are still taking on too much.
What is type 1 diabetes and what are the symptoms?
‘Type 1 diabetes is a serious autoimmune condition that occurs when your immune system mistakenly attacks beta cells within the pancreas, which then stop producing insulin. As a result, glucose levels in your blood start to rise, and your body can’t function unless you replace the insulin.’
- Going to the toilet a lot, particularly at night
- Increased thirst
- Losing weight without trying to
- Feeling more tired than usual
- Genital itching or thrush
- Cuts and wounds taking longer to heal
- Blurred eyesight
- Increased hunger.
In fact, new research from women’s supplement brand Wild Nutrition finds that 4 in 10 new mums do not have the support of a ‘parenting village’ when navigating motherhood, with an alarming 84% of mums reporting feelings of loneliness during the first few years of being a parent.
Importantly, 50% of those surveyed reported feeling mum guilt, while 6 in 10 had unrealistic expectations of motherhood.
Likewise, 78% said that they valued emotional support over any other form of assistance, and 49% felt that matrescence (AKA, the physical and emotional transition to motherhood) isn’t instant and can take anywhere between four and 10 years.
Elena Kale
Tracy isn’t alone in feeling the impact of ‘mum guilt.’
Elena Kale has spent much of her adult life co-parenting their children following her split from her ex-partner in 2011, and believes that mums specifically ‘feel guilty from the moment we see those two lines on the pregnancy test.’
Her daughters are now 16 and 14, but she distinctly remembers feeling anxious about the choices she made as a mother from the minute she knew she was pregnant, worrying extensively about what she was eating and whether she was ‘overdoing it.’
When she dropped her first-born off at nursery for the first time after maternity, she ‘wasn’t sure who cried more – me or her.’
‘There was an awful wrestling of needing to work financially, wanting to look after my baby – but also wanting to continue to work for me too,’ 52-year-old Elena, who lives in Bedfordshire, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘I’ve always been a career woman and financially independent, and I didn’t want to give that up. I knew years down the line I wouldn’t regret that, and I don’t, but it was hard,’ she adds.
‘It was a little easier when I had my second, but then the costs of childcare for two children in the UK is not cheap so there was another round of guilt experienced there. Over the years I know I’ve sacrificed time away from my girls for work, but when I became a single mum that financial independence was so very needed.’
In terms of gendered expectations on parenting, Elena feels that society just ‘expects women to be more nurturing.’ What’s more, those parents in the ‘sandwich generation’ are also caring for parents at the same time, taking on extra responsibilities.
‘I don’t believe, overall, that fathers don’t want to care any less than mothers. But our working culture dictates that, although the laws have changed – generally dads take 2 weeks parental leave and then go straight back to “normal,”’ Elena says.
‘As mothers we’re also expected to bond with our kids straightaway and for some this can take time – we also feel guilty if we have a break from our kids.’
Kat Storr
Elsewhere, 39-year-old Kat Storr has three boys, one aged 7-and-a-half and 5-year-old twins.
For Kat, her mum guilt began very early on, around the time she began to breastfeed. She was struggling with it, but didn’t want to stop and transfer him onto formula.
‘It was such a conflicting time and very upsetting and exhausting,’ Kat, who lives in Tooting, shares.
‘I resented him at times during this period, so [that’s when] mum guilt began. And then when I stopped breastfeeding I also felt guilty, even though it was completely the right decision for us.’
The guilt didn’t stop with their first child, though – it continued after she gave birth to twins.
‘I’d feel guilty about wanting space and time alone when things got on top of me,’ she adds, noting that after her maternity leave finished after both births she was ‘really ready’ to start work again.
‘But putting them into childcare and dealing with the tears at drop-offs was very tricky and made me question my decision at times,’ she recalls.
So, why might parents experience mum guilt?
And is there any way to deal with it?
‘Mum guilt can start from lots of places, but the two main ones I encounter are a fear of ever getting something ‘wrong’ for your kids and a fear of being judged as being incompetent (many mothers worst unspoken fear is having their child taken away from them),’ Sarah Wheatley, Accredited BACP therapist and founder of Birth and Beyond, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘Even before birth, it can be a real shock during pregnancy to realise how linked we are to our baby’s wellbeing. We’ve all heard about the ‘Pregnancy Police’ checking on how pregnant women exercise, eat, and drink – so many mums tell me about how they worry about having done something during pregnancy that might have harmed their baby. The guilt starts before birth.’
When it comes to unravelling the mum guilt and letting go, Sarah advises that new parents should look at where their guilt comes from.
‘Guilt can often come with the word ‘should’, as in “a good mum should never lose their temper.” It can really help to ask yourself where that sense of ‘should’ comes from – is it from your upbringing?’ Sarah suggests.
‘From what people around you are doing or saying? From what other babies you meet are doing? And then you can check whether you really want to act on it or not.
‘From what people around you are doing or saying? From what other babies you meet are doing? And then you can check whether you really want to act on it or not.’
‘Things like holiday clubs have also led to a lot of mum guilt because they tell me they don’t want to go, and cry when I drop them off and I just feel so awful when I leave. But, they always have a great time so I know the mum guilt isn’t always rational.’
Like Tracy, Kat’s husband is always very supportive, but he doesn’t experience ‘dad guilt.’ He went back to work two weeks after the birth of their first child, and three weeks after the twins.
‘I don’t think being away from them is such a wrench for him,’ Kat notes. ‘The boys are still quite clingy so I’m often on the receiving end of the tears and upset more than him.’
All in all, Kat believes that it’s healthy to have space from your children – and those that do feel mum guilt, or any kind of parental guilt, likely do so because they care.
‘I always feel like a better parent when I’ve had space from my kids and have had time to come up for air,’ Kat concludes.
‘Yes, I might feel guilty for a little bit that I’ve had a night away from them, or put them into after school care but I know it’s doesn’t affect who I am as a parent or my relationship with my children.’
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