I constantly fear my boyfriend’s female BFF is going to make a move on him

This week she’s handing down sage guidance on navigating your partner’s (close) friendships, dealing with unwelcome comments on your baby (yes, really) and rebuilding fractured friendships.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

So I think it is important that you recognise that long before you came into the picture, these two have been in each other’s lives. And yet despite her being there all that time, he chose you. And before that, she chose someone else. She may have just broken up with her boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean she all of a sudden, wants yours.

I’m a big believer in the idea that if “they wanted to, they would”. And they haven’t. All evidence points to the fact that they *are* just really good friends. And all you have to go on is what’s in front of you.

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Because that’s love baby: as TERRIFYING as it is, it’s trusting the person you’ve chosen with your heart, knowing that they could hurt you, but they won’t.

When it’s laid down like that, what do you think? Can you trust him? If you don’t, work out why. Has he given you cause not to? Or is it in your head?

If it’s the former, talk to him. If it’s the latter. Let’s work out where that is coming from… it actually sounds to me like you are having a harder time trusting her, than him, and I think as you’ve identified that may well be coming from your own anxiety. And I totally get that, we grew up being pitted against one another as women, all vying for male attention, and it sounds to me as if she already has the emotional closeness to your partner that you long for, which when you couple that with the fact she is clearly comfortable around him and by the sounds of it fitting the archetypal ‘girl next door’ type, I get that that might make you feel insecure.

But none of that is necessarily her fault – and it might just take a little bit of introspection for you to work out where these insecurities are stemming from.

Sometimes, all really is as it seems. Usually, in fact, what you see, is what you get.
So I think what you need to do here is to throw yourself into this relationship, properly. Yours, and theirs. Do things together, get to know her. Give them BOTH the benefit of the doubt, and accept, as scary as it, that you’re the new girl in this dynamic and you all need to find your feet.

If, in time, he starts giving you legitimate reasons to doubt him, if their closeness starts to get in the way of yours, if, as her heartbreak heals, she still remains so emotionally dependent on him it continues to make you uncomfortable, of course you are within your rights to bring it up.

As for now, I want to advise you to follow your heart and jump in with both feet, if it all goes the way I think it will, you’re going to be just fine.

I love that you want to take these steps to protect your baby, because I agree, people are absolutely wild with their comments. I was so struck before my daughter was born how quick people were to make comments about how they’d feel if she were too fat/skinny/ginger/hairy etc, and before she was born it would really hurt me.

Since she’s been here though, I’ve felt pretty strongly that anyone making derogatory comments (no matter how ‘jokingly’ or ‘good naturedly’) must have something a little bit wrong with them and thus I don’t take what they’re saying very seriously.

Like the NORMAL reaction to any baby is to be nice to and about it. But unfortunately, we do just sort of live in a world that isn’t that normal, and even as adults, we treat each other badly. Which is why I am trying really hard in my parenting to teach my baby SO much self-belief and confidence that NO opinion of her, will make her doubt who she is within herself.

Because realistically, in life and as they grow up, we can’t always stop these comments being made.

Now that’s not to say you should let it be open-season on roasting your baby; I think you’re well within your rights to lay down your boundaries with some simple sentences that shut down this sort of talk (“are you really enforcing all this nonsense on my baby?” “what a weird comment you have just made”, “I’d really appreciate if we could just try and be nice about my baby today” – all simple, non-confrontational and will hopefully make the other person feel like a bit of an idiot).

Simultaneously I guess you just have to work to create a really positive environment around them. One that doesn’t demonise food, or see you be negative about your own body, or the body of those around you… EVEN THE BABIES!

Create a house that doesn’t tolerate that sort of negativity in any capacity and I think you’d be surprised by how quickly the axel shifts and the cycle breaks. Good for you!

I think it’s lovely that you want to reconnect with your friends, but I’m not sure that you have that much to feel guilty for.

Your true friends, the good people around you, will understand that you’ve not been well and I’m sure they will want to be there for you.

A letter sounds like a really nice thing to do, but I just want to ensure that within that process you’re not too hard on yourself. Take responsibility and explain your situation but forgive yourself for getting through a tough time in the way only way you knew how and I’m sure your friends will too. Loads of love xx.

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